It's the little things...

The other week, I went to Milton Keynes with my friend - a swiss au pair who is a relatively new acquaintance of mine. Now, as many of you will know, I don't tend to feel that strange urge to go to a shopping centre every other weekend. But this was different. It was two friends, determined to have a good day at any cost and each willing to oblige the other's wishes to do whatever it was that made them (albeit temporarily) happy.

As we were wandering around the shopping centre, making conversation, it soon became clear that the shopping centre held a different appeal for each of us. She attends language classes very near to the centre, and therefore likes to visit the shopping centre regularly to shop for clothes, shoes and accessories (typical girl!). I, on the other hand, have no interest in the centre beyond the positive association it holds from meeting up with good friends for a coffee. And, of course, any store selling stationary - I'm a sucker for stationary, since I enjoy letter writing and the purchasing of anything which makes my life a little more neat or organised...

So, as you can imagine, we both started to feel a little awkward - each wondering whether the other was actually able to enjoy themselves whilst in the presence of another person who had a rather different idea of what constitutes an afternoon comfortably-spent.

Fortunately, we already knew that we were compatible as friends regardless. And so we started to remind ourselves of what we had in common as opposed to our differences. We looked out for stores which interested both of us - testing the Rocking Chairs in 'Topaz' (I highly recommend this activity), taking pictures of ourselves trying on funny sunglasses in River Island (well, it was good fun until we got chucked out!) and relaxing and chatting over a coffee in 'Costa'. Then, of course, we had to run the distance from the main shopping centre to Xscape in the pouring rain in order to catch a showing of 'Spiderman III'. Our shoes were filling with water as we splashed through the car parks - it was hilarious!

I was so glad that I had spent the day with her in the shopping centre - my mother's words, "It's all a frame of mind, " came back to me. She's so right. If you really want something, then you'll make it work. I want to have a good friendship with this person, so I'm willing to get to know her and make some memories - doing whatever it takes.

When the film was over, we went back home. Except the doorstep we arrived on was neither mine nor her's. Because I had chosen to spend my time doing what she enjoyed doing and getting to know her, she was only too happy to return the favour. We were standing at the door of my Church.

To be...or not to be WHAT?

"So here's us, on the raggedy edge." (Malcolm Reynolds, 'Serenity')



Have you ever struggled to find a direction for your life? I know I have!

I'm in a unique situation for someone of my age (no, not because I'm struggling to find a direction for my life...read on!). Whilst in my first year of A-levels, I contracted inflammatory arthritis. By the time a diagnosis was made and the drugs prescribed, it was quite a few months later and things had become a lot worse. But I wasn't going to just pull out of school - no way! "I've already come this far, " I thought, "I might as well get it over and done with and then I can forget about it". Not surprisingly, by the time the A-levels were finished, I'd had enough of the education system. At first, I deferred my entry into university, but now I've withdrawn - can't decide what I really want to do anyway (it's a lot of money not to be sure about), and the thought of going back into education is NOT tempting...

So, here I am. Not 100% fit and healthy, living under the same roof as my parents (which is great by the way!), with a (barely) part time job in which I have zero opportunity to realize my potential. But things aren't wholly bad, I might add. This unique situation that I'm in allows me to:

- Own a top-notch car which I can zip around in, and receive financial support in its maintenance;
- Spend a large proportion of my time doing voluntary work with my church which I love to bits;
- Fill the diary with things that I actually want to do, like meeting up with friends, having spanish lessons.

So why the long face?

I'm really struggling to discern God's will for my life. I feel almost guilty just ambling along, staying in my "comfort zone" and reassuring myself that I'm not well enough to break away, get out there and really challenge myself!

I guess I just have to open my heart up to God, ask him the same questions I'm currently asking myself and ask for the support and prayers of my closest friends and family, whilst investigating my options.

"Google, here I come!"

5th May 2007

Leaving the house at 6.45am, my Dad and I met in town with a bunch of people from the Church, loaded our motorised sofa (borrowed from a member of the Church) with passengers and left in convoy for Alton Towers - a theme park where we were to spend the day. My Dad being included in the party was kind of a last-minute arrangement, but I was glad of it (at least there would be somebody to keep me company - somebody guaranteed to be on my wavelength and to keep my mind off a certain person).

My hopes of sticking close to my Dad (and therefore retaining my sanity through maintaining a certain distance from said person) were almost doomed, however, before the journey even began. As we were waiting for the rest of the crew to arrive at our meeting point, before assigning passengers to drivers, BS peered 'round the open car door, saying to me,
"I've put you in a car with MD, if that's alright?", he paused, "It's just that I'm trying to put all the kids with their friends...".
As much as know that - realistically - it's best for me to keep my distance from MD, all any girl ever hopes for is that these sorts of fluke "opportunities" will arise - thus (it's supposed) starting an inevitable chain of events that will eventually lead to the words that she wants to hear from his mouth. In other words, I was perfectly willing to leap out of the car at that very moment. "Dad will get over it", I thought fleetingly. Dad! No, this wouldn't do for him at all. His daughter leaving him to the mercy of 6 youths that he didn't even know - for the entire journey there, when he'd given up his whole day to help out, to be with her - just because she wanted to spend time with some guy, flogging a dead horse, getting disappointed. No, I couldn't do it. And I shouldn't.

Thankfully BS, who knew all about my feelings for MD as well as the fact that he didn't return them, got the hint and saved me from myself - kindly deciding to change plan.

The day itself? Well, the first half comprised me and my Dad wandering around aimlessly, without a map, him refusing to go on rides because he was "too old for them" and me refusing to go on them because "there's no way I'm queuing that long". Pretty bad. The second half of the day was marginally better, however, as we tagged along with a small group of guys from the church (fortunately or unfortunately one of them being MD) and made a pact to actually go on some of the rides...

The third part of the day, however, was my favourite. The Christian concert we went to that evening. It was hosted by Alton Towers and sponsored by ultimate events (http://www.ultimateevents.org.uk/altontowersintro.aspx) and compassionuk.org. Acts included Delirious?, Toby Mac and Ayiesha Woods. I love live music; the bands were great. But the best thing about it was the amazing sense of christian fellowship. There was a huge crowd - about 6000 people all bunched together - and everyone really engaging with the worship and receptive of God's holy spirit. It was great to go crazy, jumping up and down and throwing our arms in the air shamelessly.

To summarise...

Things that were good about today
- Spending time with my Dad;
- Realising that I am capable of exercising self-discipline when it comes acting out of my feelings for MD;
- The sense of christian fellowship I experienced at the concert.

Things that were bad about today
- The challenges presented by liking MD - tests of character and of faith, trying not to hope for anything, trying to act in my own best interests, trying to reassure myself that anything that takes place in my life should be God's will first and foremost.